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Welcome to my blog! I'm a fat girl on a journey to lose some weight to gain my life back!

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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Where did this week go?

I can't believe it's already Thursday night.   Where did the time go this week?  We've been snowed in and just enjoying our family time! I don't really have much to report, I'm making it through the week and that's about as good as I can do!   I'm dreaming of a vacation!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Weekly Weigh In

Today is weigh in day.  This week didn't get as well as I had hoped!   I had a great start to the week, and then life took over!  And, I was totally unprepared for it!  I've been battling an eye infection for the past couple weeks, and I had several doctors appts the last half of the week, which lead to me being in the car the entire day!   Which of course leads to lots of fast food!  Ugh!  I need to find a way to better prepare for days like that!    So, I lost less than a pound this week, but I guess it's better than a gain!   This week, it's back on track!   Next week, I'm gunning for a two lbs lost!   Gotta buckle down and get it done!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A gold star for me today!

This morning I had the same battle in my head again, I could get up and workout or I could go back to sleep.  After several minutes of the battle in my head, getting up won out.   I got up, got dressed grabbed my ear phones and water and hit the elliptical.   Only, to realize how sore my legs were.    I lasted all of two minutes on the elliptical before I decided that I was too sore, so I would give myself a pass for the day.    I got my little one up and ready for school.  After, dropping her off I realized that my emotions were all over the place today.  I knew there was a very good chance that I would end up eating my emotions, so I told myself I had to make a choice, I could either eat my emotions and feel guilty about that or I could go home and try my workout again and see if I could workout and distract myself from the raging emotions.   Well, I made a great decision and told myself I was going to workout.  I came home and got it done!   I felt so great after! My emotions weren't so crazy and I was ready to tackle my day!   I deserve a gold star for my great choices today!  Go me!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

It's been a good day so far!

Today has been a very good day.   I did struggle with the thought of going back to sleep this morning instead of working out, but working out won.  I'm glad I got up and was able to get my workout in.  I told myself this morning, that I can't allow myself to give in to sleeping late since I want to make getting up early to work out a habit!  

Food wise,  today has been an easy day to turn down things I knew I didn't need.  And, to stop eating when I was full, even though there was food still left on my plate!  I will call that a win for today!

I hope you day has been good!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Today is the day!

Today is the day that I decided to start the day off right!  I woke up early, got my time on the elliptical in before anyone else was up and moving.  It feel did feel good to get it finished and out of the way so that I can enjoy the rest of my day.   My goal is to keep it up the rest of the week!   It was a struggle to get out bed, I really had a battle in my head, one part of me said that if  I didn't get myself up and moving then nothing would never change.  But, another part of me said that I could just roll over and go back to sleep for 45 mins.   Getting up won, and I'm so glad it did!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Feeling like a failure!

This week, I started off this week with a plan  I was going to track my calories, get on my elliptical and burn some calories.  And, I was going to end this week with a loss.   Can you guess what really happened?   My elliptical sat mostly unused, I gave up on tracking my calories, and I gained a pound.  Suddenly, to me this pound feels like the end all.   It feels like I should just quit trying because I'm never going to get it right, or be able to be smaller.    This week, I really wanted that loss, and it feels like the more I wanted it, the more my mind or body or whatever the heck is sabotaging me wanted me to not have it.   I would eat the right amounts at meals, but then I would find myself snacking nonstop.   I wouldn't even realize I was doing it at first.  And, then when I finally did realize that I was doing it,  I would immediately feel guilty, and worthless and be so angry with myself.   And, then I would promise myself I wouldn't do it again,  but two hours later, there I was eating again! And, I was start the entire cycle all over again!  I don't get it.  I don't understand what is so wrong with me.  Why can't I just eat like a normal person!  Why does food seem to have this power over me that makes me not even realize what I am doing?   How can an  object control my life like this?   Food doesn't have a mind of it's own,  it can't just jump into my mouth all by itself.   I have to put it there, but I do so sometime without even knowing I'm doing it.   It's like my brain checks out, and something else takes over.     I really don't get it, I don't understand why this is happening to me, and why I can't just be like a normal person.   I feel so disgusting, and worthless. Maybe I should just give up, and quit trying.  It's pretty clear that I will never be able to have what I want.  

At some point this month though,  I've lost 6lbs.   When I went to the doctor last, on Dec 26th,  I weighed 288lbs.   Today, I weigh 282 lbs.   So, in the past month, those lbs have been lost somewhere, but yet I don't feel like I've lost them..  I haven't celebrated their loss.  I feel only like I've gained.  But, they had to have fell off somewhere.