It's that time of year for resolutions!

Christmas is over and it's time to prepare for a new year.   Do you make resolutions?  I used to never make resolutions because I always knew that I would never follow through with them.   Last year, I did make a resolution, and since I ended up with a 76lb loss for the year (yep I gained a few lbs with the holidays) I'm going to call it a success. 

Now, it's time for me to set my resolution for 2014.  I don't want to put a number on my weight loss, because I don't have a number really set in my mind where I want to stop.   I'm thinking I just want to be under 200lbs.  I would be happy with that.    I do know that my plan is going to be a mix of calorie counting and low gi.    I ordered my bike/elliptical in one.   I will have to post a review for you once I've used it some.   Right now, I'm impatiently awaiting it to arrive.    Hopefully, it will be here in the next two weeks.    My goal is to change my schedule and use my elliptical before I get my daughter up and off to school.   I hope to make it a habit, so that it's something that I just automatically do when I wake up. 

So, what are you resolutions?  How are you planning on achieving them?

Merry Christmas ya'll!

Merry Christmas!  I hope everyone has a great Christmas!  I will be back after the holiday with new recipes to post and try, and back to weekly weigh ins.  I can't wait to get started again!   I hope you all enjoy your family time!

Phew! Tis the season!

Well,   I'm in full swing bah humbug mode.   Not my typically attitude during the holidays.   But, here I am this year.   I honestly think though,  it's my own doing.   My only focus has been "are they over yet, so I can get back to losing weight?"   It's like in my mind I have told myself that I couldn't make it through the holidays on my diet, so instead I would make myself miserable by wanting to hurry it along.   I really set myself up for a fail.   I am so ready to get back on track!

Struggles and set backs!

The holidays are here and I never really formed a plan for dealing with them.   I guess in my mind I could just float right through them.   Well, that plan isn't working out so well.  I'm really struggling.  I'm way off my low gi eating plan.   And, it really stinks.  I know I'm gaining weight.  I've been in a very out of control binge.  The cravings are back and I can't seem to stop myself from giving in to them.  

I've been asking myself where do I wrong the most with the cravings.   And, the answer has to be the grocery store.  I couldn't eat it if I didn't buy it.   I'm not really sure what makes me buy it.  I think just because it's sitting there staring me in the face, so it finds it's way into my cart.   That's not good!  I think I need to start making a list of the things I need, and then sticking to only what is on that list!  Nothing added, nothing extra! 

I also struggle with finding ideas for low GI meals that are quick and easy and don't require much effort!   Once, I make it through these holidays I'm going to focus on finding new recipes for me, that are quick or that can be reheated well.   That's going to be important to helping me stay focused and on track.   Is having the food handy, and ready.   Otherwise, there is always an excuse to not cook it.  

Mentally and emotionally, I'm really in a bad place.  I'm struggling with exhaustion from burning the candle at both ends, and from depression I think.   I'm thinking my depression is hormone related as I think, TOM is nearing any day now.   

Usually, I am very excited about the holidays.  And, this year all I can think is hurry up and be over already!   That is very unlike me.   Normally, I love the feeling of Christmas. 

I did have a victory with fitness this week though.  One day this week I had to skip my walking because I just got caught up in the Christmas shopping and ran out of time.   I felt terrible the entire day.  I was tired, and grouchy, and felt like a huge lump of laziness.   I can't really describe how bad it made me feel.   The next day I made sure that I was back to my walk because I didn't want to feel like that again.   It felt so bad to be back to walk.  I was tired beyond belief after my walk, but I felt great!  I'm looking forward to getting my Christmas present to myself (an elliptical)!   It's going to allow me to change my schedule around some and hopefully take some pressure off.  I think I will still get outside and walk when I have some time to do that.  Because, I really do enjoy being outside.  Even when it's super cold and I'm freezing my butt off out there.  But, it will be nice to be able to get my workout out of the way in the early mornings before I have to start my day with my little one and school and etc.  It will help to free up some of my time.   But, it will also mean that I will have to stick to a much stricter bedtime!  Bedtime is important for me, I have always loved to sleep!

I hope that all of you reading this hasn't lost your motivation or fallen off track like I have!  I know that you can keep on track and keep going!  If you have fallen off track, just come and jump back on track with me!  When can do it!  I know we can!

My doctor thinks I need an attitude adjustment.

I go to see my family practioner every month for a weight loss check up.   I feel like this keeps me honest with myself about where I am in my weight loss.  I also feel like it gives me a chance to discuss with some one with a medical background.   And, it also allows me to ensure that I am losing weight safely and in a healthy way.   

My check ups, are pretty easy.  I get on the scale, I get a shot of b-12, my doctor runs my hormone panel because of my pcos, and then we discuss my month.   We talk about how my pcos symptoms were, how I felt, what I felt like I did right and what I felt like I did wrong.     We come up with a plan of action for the next month, and then she always gives me some encouragement.   This actaully helps me.   It most likely wouldn't help if i didn't have such an awesome doctor.   My doctor remembers me, she also has pcos,  doesn't treat me like a patient, she treats me like a friend.  She comes into the exam room, she sits down and says how have you been.   She really listens, and really cares.   It also really helps that she has pcos.   So, when I tell her about a problem with a symptom she understands.   She helps me try to treat and prevent the symptom, not just deal with it. 

So, after explaining all that.   This week when she sat down and asked me about my week.  I was telling her that I was really struggling with my workouts and feeling deprived, on the low gi.  I felt like I was going to have to live this life by never eating things I enjoy again.   So, I was telling her all this and she told me that she wanted me to work on my thought process.   And, she's right.  I do need to work on my thought process.  It is going to be a struggle if you tell yourself it's going to be.   It is going to really suck, if you tell yourself that it's going to suck.   She told me to change my thinking to thinking about how much better I am going to feel.  

So, that is my plan for the next month.  To focus on changing my thinking.   To start thinking that I enjoy the workouts, even when I have to use a DVD to work out.     And, I'm going to work on thinking that I'm not being deprived, that I'm feeding my body what it needs to feel and be healthy!   I'm really not sure how to go about it changing my mindset, but she suggested that every time I caught myself saying something negative that I turn it into a positive.   So, that's my plan.

Failing to plan, is planning to fail!

The title says it all.  I failed to plan today.  I failed to plan my meals, my day, and well that found with me a big fat failure for the day.   I ended up some high GI foods.  And, now I find myself craving them and it's so much easier to just say yes to eating them again.     I knew I should have planned better!   I didn't workout today as well, only because my knee is swollen and throbbing.   Thank you cold front for making my knee ache.  

I'm dreaming of buying myself an elliptical for Christmas.   Because, my mom has arthritis and hers started in her knee when she was about my age.   A couple years ago I started having pain in my knee and swelling.  It mostly happens when it's cold or when I big storm is coming through.  Sometimes, it it will swell and ache if I injury it.    In the summer it doesn't give me much trouble, but in the winter  I better look out!    Ellipticals are a lot easier on the joints, so that I is why I am dreaming of one! 

Tomorrow, it's back to low GI, no matter what.  And I will find myself tested tomorrow I am sure.  Because, we are going out to eat with family to celebrate two birthday's  I'm suspecting we will find ourselves at a steakhouse.  I'm good with that.  I can turn down the bread with no problem and while a steak isn't low fat it does have a low gi.  So, I just make sure that I order a steak the correct size.   A steak and a salad sounds like just the thing.   

I have managed to make it 7 days without a soda.   They don't appeal to much anymore, so I'm very thankful for that.    Tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow I am committed to not planning to fail or failing to plan!   Tomorrow is weigh in day, so lets hope the scale brings me some good news!

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy!

This morning I woke up got dressed in my workout clothes,  I even put my workout socks and shoes on.  I knew my sister was coming over, and I had every intention of taking advantage and hitting the pavement at the park for my walk.    But, as I was waiting for my sister I found myself trying to talk myself out of going for my walk.  I was going through every excuse in the book.   The question of the day is why?  Why would I try to talk myself out of going?   I wasn't hurt or in pain, I wasn't sick,  I didn't have to take Zoe with me, I did have a busy schedule for the day, but I have one every day!   I was actually looking forward to going, but yet here I was trying to talk myself out of going.    It was almost like I wanted myself to fail.   It really made no sense.   Luckily, I was able to see that I was trying to talk myself out of going, and tossed that idea right on out of my head.  I grabbed my car keys and out the door I went.

When I got to the park, and I started my walk I decided to try to push myself past what I thought I was capable of.  I had a little bit of a mental tug of war with it, then and finally decided to just try and see what happens.   So, I told myself that I was going to run up the big hill,  don't worry your eyes didn't just deceive you I did in fact say run.  Okay, well more like slowly slowly slowly jog.  So,when I got to the bottom of the hill and ready to start climbing up, I sprinted up the hill.    When I made it to the top of hill I was winded and huffing and puffing, but the point is I made it!  I didn't faint, have a heart attack and keel over, I made it to the top!  I was pretty proud of myself.   So, proud of myself that I decided to wait a minute and then sprint again!   So, after it was all said and down I completed at  least 10 sprints. I know that doesn't sound like a lot to anyone who runs all the time, but for a run that weighs almost 300lbs and feels like she is way to fat to run, it's a huge accomplishment.  I made each one a little longer than the first one.  It was great!   Now, are you ready for the best part?  I hope your sitting down!  I really liked the sprinting!    I think I liked it so much because I've always told myself  "your too fat" to even attempt to run or "you can don't that,".   But, I was able to do it.  Who cares that my boobs were bouncing all over the place, or that fat and flab were flapping in the wind!   It certainly didn't matter to me!   What mattered to me was that I was able to do something that I always felt I couldn't do or that I was to fat to do!  I had a smile on my face  the entire time.   When I finished my second lap (3rd mile).  I wanted to put my arms up in a Popeye type pose, and just bask in how strong and empowered I felt, arm fat flapping in the wind or not, I didn't care.  What mattered to me was that I was so happy to accomplish something, that I told myself I couldn't do!  And, I did it, I wasn't hurt or dead, and really I didn't even feel like I was dying.    Sure, I did have to dig deep a couple times to force myself to not stop before the goal I set out for myself, but that means that I was growing.  Having to dig deep and push through something gives you the courage to do it again the next time!   It helps to build your faith in yourself!

So, my lesson for the day is that we limit ourselves.  We tell ourselves that we can't do something or that we aren't good enough, strong enough, pretty enough.  But, yet when we open our minds and have a little faith in ourselves we find a strength we never knew we had!   I'm so glad that I found it in me to try!  I accomplished a lot more today than just a few sprints!

For those of you wondering how I feel now.  I'm sore and more exhausted than ever!  But, I'm thankful for that!   

I'm making strides today!

They say that the first step to recovering from an addiction is to admit you have a problem.  With that being said, my name is Wendy and I have an addiction to weighing myself every morning!    I can't tell you if it's a good or bad thing that I find myself getting on the scale more than once a week.   I guess it all depends on what the scale says!  Sometimes I feel like the scale has this magic power over me and it can either make my day really great or it can make my day really bad!  I know it's really silly to let an object determine your day and mood.     When I weighed in on Sunday my weight was 292,  my starting weight was 365!  This morning the scale brought me good news I guess it felt I needed to have a great day!   This morning the magic number was 282, that's 10lbs since Sunday!   Now, I completely understand that it's water weight!   But, I don't care!  It still means a loss so I'm going to take it and celebrate it!   Deep down I really do fear that when Sunday comes and it's time for the official weigh in that it will have crept back up!    Hopefully, the scale gods will still be on my side then!

The scale isn't the only place I'm making progress though on morning when my daughter has school  I go and walk three miles at the park as long as the weather permits.   Well, today I had to be back at my daughter's school an hour and a half after I dropped her off for her Thanksgiving party.  Plus, I had to come home and pick up the hubby so he could go with me.    So, I told myself that it was okay if I didn't get my walk in because I was short on time and I knew there was no way I could get whole three miles in.    So, I gave myself an excuse and a pass.   But, when I was getting dressed I was on auto pilot.   I got my walking clothes, socks and shoes on grabbed some extra water bottles and went out the door.   I dropped the little one off and school and headed straight to the park.   I think I got about 2 miles in, and then came home to shower and change to get back to her school.   It previous times I would have taken the excuse that I didn't have time and then not gotten my walk in.   But, the fact that I did it more on auto pilot than actually having to force myself to do it tells me that I'm in a really good place right now!    I think I deserve a gold star for the day!

In other news I'm not having many cravings for sweets like I was having before.    I think the low carb thing is actually helping.   I'm also not craving the soda like before.   I am only tempted when I open the fridge and it's staring me in the face.   But, I haven't had to pull out a juice box in two days, three if I make it through today!    Part of me though is really worried that I am going to all the sudden find myself back to craving them.  But, I know that it's a lot easier to say no to them the first time.  But, if I allow myself to have them then it's a whole lot harder to say no and that's how I find myself back in a place that I'm constantly craving them.    I just need to remind myself of that!

Updated Progress Pics.

Hey Ya'll,

I thought I would send some new progress pics.    

This first pic is at my starting weight of 365.

And the next two are from about 333.

And the last two are from today (this morning the scale said 287) but we will see what Sunday's weigh in holds.

It's time to bring this place back from the dead!

So, it's been a very long time since I've written a post.   I know you guys need an update!   I've lost 73 pounds since I started this journey.   It was 75, but I gained two back this week!   Lately, it's been really hard to get back on track after falling off.   So, I thought that maybe I needed a new plan!   I'm switching from calorie counting, to low glycemic index.   I have PCOS, which causes insulin resistance, so my doctor felt that I should really give this plan a try.   I can't say that it's a "diet" because a diet to me is something that is temporary.   And, this has to be for life!    So, no diet words here!

One of the biggest changes I am making is, no soda at all.  NONE, whatsoever!  Let me tell you, this is a struggle for me!  I keep telling myself it's going to get easier and that one day I'm not even going to miss them.  Is it "one day" yet?   Because, right now it's really hard.   My head hurts, even though I was always drinking a caffeine free one.  My head is still killing me.    Guess it wasn't as caffeine free as I thought.    As a replacement of sorts for the soda, when I really need something with some flavor to it I'm drinking some juice.  I bought some Apple and Eve 100% no sugar added juice boxes (yes, apparently I'm five again!).  I got the boxes because they are already measured in oz's so I don't have to pull out a measuring cup.  I am  lazy like that!  

Right now, the low gi plan seems pretty overwhelming to me, and complicated.   So, I will have to let ya'll know if it gets any easier.  I'm sure it will it's just an adjustment.    I can say this, right now I am really struggling with that "night time" eating.   I know you know what I'm talking about it.   It's 9pm and all I want to do is go raid the cabinets, and eat an entire bag of chips, or an entire package of cookies, or brownies, or cake!  Yum cake!   But, I refuse at least for now, to give in.  It's only day three, so I'm still feeling strong!  I hope I am able to keep the will power up!  Brownies, and cookies are certainly my weakness.    If any of those are in my house, I wake up thinking about what is an acceptable time for me to be eating them!  It's absurd!   For tonight though, I'm going to pass on the binge session and be strong, or maybe just got to bed so I will sleep through the urges.   There have been times in the past when I've went to bed just to sleep through urges to binge on anything I could get my hands on!   But, sadly I just wake up thinking it also!

My plan.

I've had some people ask what my "plan" is.   I guess they are asking what I'm eating and how I'm losing the weight.   Well,   to be honest with you.   It's not much of a plan.   Up until last week, I wasn't tracking my calories and I really wasn't working out that much.   Okay, I wasn't working out at all!   But, I did try to eat less.   I didn't focus on it, I just made an attempt to snack less and more careful with my choices.

Starting last week I started tracking my calories.   I just use myfitnesspal and keep track of them.   I do drink a lot of water.   And, after my up and down week last week, I am going to start drinking a little more water, because I feel like I'm a little dehydrated.  I'm going to try to get in a workout pretty often, but as I'm sure you can guess, I'm just like everyone else.   I struggle to find the time to fit it in.   I work from home, and I have a four year old that hasn't started school yet.   So, it's hard to get the workouts in with her.   I do take her to the park with me to ride her bike while I walk.  I usually can't get in the entire two miles that I would like to, but my opinion is something is better than nothing.   Even if she only lets me get a half mile in, it's better than nothing.

I'm debating either joining a gym, or just buying myself and elliptical.  I'm actually leaning more towards just buying the elliptical because then,  when she's sick or on the weekends I can still get my workout in without having to worry about someone to watch her.   She can play in her play room while I work out.

I did cut out sodas, and now I'm moving towards cutting out more processed foods.   I am have to do it slowly because if I just cut it all out at once, I still to feel deprived and then I end up craving whatever it is, and it sets me up to fail.   But, cutting it out slowly, I really don't miss it all that much.  That's what I did with soda and it worked perfectly for me.   It's what I am currently doing with sweets.   I still allow myself one sweet thing a day.  But, trust me that is a lot better than it was before.   Usually, it's a few Andes mints or a pudding.

So, that's my plan..  I'm workinghardatlosing on my fitnesspal if you want to find me and friend me over there.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster this week!

This week the scale and I have not seen eye to eye.  I started off the week at 304.   Then a few days in I was at 302.   Then the next day back up to 304,  the next day back to 306.  Yesterday I was at 302.   Today which is my official weigh in day I"m at 303.

I have no clue why the scale bounced around so much.   I got my workouts in,  I tracked my calories and wasn't over so shouldn't have been a gain.   I can't decide if it's not enough water so my body is holding onto the water.   But, I drink 6 bottles of water a day.   That's 12 glasses of water.   I don't think it's the water.    It could be I'm not getting enough calories.   I'm eating around 1700.   Which should be enough for about a two pound a week loss.  

Whatever it is,  I really hope it works itself out soon.   Because, it's really disappointing to do everything right and not see the results that I was seeking.   I'm so frustrated with my body this week!

Here's a recipe I made today!

I'm trying to cook more, and eat out less. So, I've been trying to find new recipes.  Sometimes, I find one that I think my preschooler and my husband will eat and I try to make it a little bit healthier.   That's what I did today!   Everyone actually liked this one, I have to admit it was pretty yummy!  We will for sure be making it again!

Bacon Cheddar Chicken

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 cup Light BBQ sauce
4 strips of turkey bacon (cooked)
1/2 cup of reduced fat cheddar cheese- I don't buy pre-shredded cheese, because I don't like the anticaking stuff they use and I think it tastes so much better to shred your own!

Here's what I did-  I cut the chicken breasts in half.   You don't have to do this, but I like to make them thinner so that they cook fast and because I don't need to eat an entire chicken breast.   Brush half of the bbq sauce on the chicken and bake at 350 until chicken is done.   (20-30 mins)   In the meantime, cook the turkey bacon.   I just put it in a skillet and pan fried it.    Shred the cheese while you wait.   Once the chicken is done, pour the rest of the sauce on, put a slice of bacon on each breast and then top with a sprinkle of the cheese.   Stick it back in the oven until the cheese melts.    The enjoy!   It's really yummy!

Can I be under 300 already?

This week has really been testing my patience!   I weigh in on Sundays.   This Sunday I weighed in at 304.    Only five pounds away from being under 300!   I'm so close that I can taste it!   I really really want to never see the 300's again!   I started out this week resolved to see the 300's end this week.    On Tuesday,  the scale dropped down to 302!   I was so excited because that put me a lot closer to being under 300!   Then, today I got on the scale again and I was back up to 304.   Well, that just burst my bubble!   I really need to stay off the scale when it's not a weigh in day!   So, today I've been stress or depression eating.   I've still tracked my calories but I'm way over for the day.   I didn't get any exercise in but it's the first time I haven't this week so I guess I can let it slide.   I really hope by the end of next week that I will no longer see a 3 at the beginning of my weight! 

Also, this week I had an evening to myself.   I felt this burning need to dig into to some brownies.  So, I let myself have them.   Now, the problem is that I'm constantly craving them.   I wasn't having craving issues until I gave in and allowed myself to have some.   But, now that I had a little bit,  I can't get them out of my mind.   I bought a pack of brownies from the grocery bakery.   I ate one precut brownie, and then I actually tossed the rest in the trash.   Sure, it's a waste of money to throw them out.   But, I knew that keeping them in the house would drive me to eat the entire container of them and that's the last thing I wanted.   Since I threw them out I haven't had anything to give in to my cravings with and that's the only thing that has kept me from giving in.   I think maybe I am not yet at a point where I can be in control with the sweets, so I should stay away. 

Weight Loss Progress Pics!

The upper left is from August of 2012 at 365.
The lower left is from April 2013 at 335
And the right is from August 2013 at305.


I didn't start weight loss journey until Feb of 2013. 

Vacation, vacation, vacation.

I was on vacation this week.   I was really worried about being on vacation and losing weight.   Normally, while on vacation I just eat whatever I want without any regard to it, and we usually end up eating out a lot.   I think on this vacation we eat out 10 times in 8 days.   Usually, on vacation I allow myself to not exercise or workout.   This year, I completely refused to do that!   I walked on the beach everyday but one.  I made sure to pay attention to what I was eating.   I ended up losing four lbs while I was away.    I'm floored that I was able to lose weight while away.   I'm really proud of myself beyond words. 

While I was on vacation.  I was seeing all these people kayaking and paddling boarding.   Both of those seem like so much fun to me.   I want to do and try both of them.   Really, I'd even love to take surfing lessons.   There are so many things that I would love to do!   Ziplining, white water rafting, tubing, anything fun like that.  But, I feel like I'm too fat to do those things.  So, I won't try them.     But, I want too.   I feel like when I get down a little smaller that I will!   My goal is by next year to be able take paddleboarding lessons or surfing lessons!  Or even both!  That would be a great vacation!   To be able to do those fun things.  

As, I was sitting on the beach thinking about all the things that I felt like I was too big to do but wanted to do.   I thought that if I stayed on track and worked hard all year that next year by the time we went to the beach I could be around 200lbs or under.  I could be down another 100lbs.   I don't even know what I will look like then.   Not myself for sure!   The lowest I can remember is around 270ish.   I can't imagine myself anything less than that.   But, I'm going to work hard to do that. 

Since, coming back from vacation with a loss,  it's almost like a recharge in my effort to continue.   It was a great self esteem boost, and has given me a will to want to continue and try even harder.   I am going to take a current pic of myself and then I have a picture from vacation the same week last year, and I am going to put them side by side to see about a difference.   Last year I weighed around 365 most likely.   This year I weighed 309 when I left. So, that's a big difference.   I'm hoping that I will be able to see a difference in them.  I will post them once I get them done.  It might be tomorrow, but I will make sure I get to them this week!

My weight loss buddy is really struggling.   She's gaining quite a bit.  I completely understand where she is coming from because I've been there not too long ago.   I think we are bound to have struggles with it, because it's not easy.   But, it's the way we come back from our struggles and the way we deal with them that counts.   I want to do something to help her, so I am going to try to check in with her more often, instead of just once or twice a week.   I'm going to try to be more of an encouragement for her.    

Since I am six pounds away from being under 300, my goal was to be under that by the end of August.   I think I should be able to do that!   Then I will need a new goal.   Since my vacation is over I need a new long term goal.   I'm thinking about making a Christmas or Thanksgiving goal.   I like to have short term and long term goals because they help me stay on track.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.

I guess I met my goal for now!

Back in February when I started at 365lbs.   Yes, you did read that correctly!  I had a goal in mind of just wearing some shorts that I bought three years ago without trying them on.   Well,  guess what happened when I bought them?   You guessed it, they were too tight.   So, I spent $500 on new summer clothes that didn't fit!   So, my goal this summer was to get into those shorts before our annual family beach vacation.   Even though all the shorts came from the same store and were the same size, they did not fit the same.   I've been wearing some of them for awhile now, but I still felt like I couldn't breathe in the smallest of them.   I am finally able to wear the smallest pair.   It feels great to be able to get into them.    We are leaving for the beach in a few days,  and I couldn't be more excited.  I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to taking a vacation!

The power of the scale!

Do you ever feel like your scale has this power over you?   It's like the scale could make or break your day.    If you see a drop it's the best day ever,  if you have a gain it can put you in a funk that's hard to break out of!

Today, the scale decided to show a two pound loss.   Now, while that made my day,  it always makes me weary that it's just a fluke!   It's sad when you worry that they scale is messing with your mind!

Set back!

Have you noticed that I haven't popped on in awhile?   Well,  I've been hiding my head in the sand.   I can't seem to get myself back on track with eating right.   I know that eating is an addiction for me, but that doesn't mean that it has to control me, right?   I wish it were as simple as that.  

I know that it all boils down to choices and I'm not making the best choices right now.   I'm working on that!   For example,  yesterday and today both I chose to take my daughter swimming.  And I chose to swim laps in the pool instead of sitting on a float and reading a book.   I love to float in the pool and read a book, it's the best me time ever.   But, I chose to swim laps.    Because, I sure could use the calorie burn.     I also chose to race my nephew to see who could do the most laps.   I won by the way, but he's only 5 so it wasn't a huge victory or anything.   I'm sure he just got bored.   But, I got a good workout in!   And it was fun!   My arms sure were burning!


So, I'm going to count that as a small victory regardless of anything else! 


How are things going with you?  I'd love for you to drop me a comment about your struggles!

Perfectionism

Have you read or  seen The FlyLady's website?   She talks about how perfectionism can really hinder people and get in our way.   I'm beginning to understand just what she means by that.     I have never  thought of myself as a perfectionist.  But, now that I'm in this place in my journey that I can't seem to get past,  I'm beginning to think that it might just be my problem.    I'm ready to give up and quit.   Not because I want to quit.   But, because I seem to be struggling and can't seem to get these binges under control.  So, in my head I think to myself, "what's the point of trying anymore?"   or that I'm never going to make it, or be successful.   I can't seem to just focus on one minor thing and be happy about that.   I have this mentality that if I eat one cookie then I'm doomed to be fat forever.  Or, if I fall off the wagon I will never be able to get back on.   

So, today as I sit here and think about where I am, and how far I've come.  I'm still struggling with giving up.  I still feel that pull that says I can't do it that I should just give up.    But, a very small part of me says hold up!  That small part of me says look at what you've changed so far.   Look at the fact that you are now more conscious of what you eat, you work at taking care of yourself better.   You keep your toes painted, you do things to take care of your skin, you drink more water, you make an effort to eat better.  

This  part of me that sees the improvements is a very small part.  And I do mean a very small part.   The part that says I can't or should give up that part is winning right now.   It's threatening to take over.    Maybe the fact that I am realizing this struggle going on in my head will help me.  I think the fact that I haven't completely thrown in the towel is a good sign.

It does make me curious as to where this all or nothing mindset comes from.   I know that I can see it in other areas of my life also.   Take cleaning the house for example.   If I skip sweeping the floors for a night, then all the sudden I feel like why should I bother to do anything else?  The same with the dishes, if I skip doing the dishes right away, then all the sudden I'm doing nothing at all.    It has to be based on some impossible expectation that I've put on myself somewhere along the way.   But, where did it come from?   And how can I stop it?   Why do I only focus on the things I didn't do, or the things that I didn't do the right way?  Why can't I see and celebrate the things that I did do no matter how small they are?

I'm beginning to think that maybe I should let go of my other goals and make focusing on the small things my new goal.    Focus on not letting the mistakes bring me down.

How did I get derailed?

I've been doing really good these past four months.   I've lost 37lbs and then all the sudden when I'm not paying attention wham I fall off track.   I stop forcing myself to drink my water, eat breakfast, stay away from soda.   I just stopped.   It's almost like I sabtaged myself.    I'm sure your thinking (or at least hoping) that I am going to ahve some sort of super smart answer for why I did this to myself.   I hate to disappoint but I have no clue.   If I knew that I most likely would have solved this problem already! I am going to consider it a good thing that I realized that I was sliding off the path before I started gaining it all back.   Hopefully, I will be able to reign it all back in before that starts happening.  I didn't gain all this weight over night, so there's no way I'm going to lose it over night either.  


Sometimes, I feel like this beast (this is what I call my food addiction) is going to win and take complete control of my life.   I know that it's an addiction because sometimes food can consume my every waking thought.   And, I do mean my every thought.   Some mornings I wake up and the first thought on my mind is what kind of high fat, highly processed food can I get right away.   I don't think a person that isn't addicted to food thinks like this.   I don't think a normal person wakes up just dreaming of the all the sweets they can stuff into their bodies for that day.   It's so disgusting to myself.   I feel like my body is betraying me.