Perfectionism

Have you read or  seen The FlyLady's website?   She talks about how perfectionism can really hinder people and get in our way.   I'm beginning to understand just what she means by that.     I have never  thought of myself as a perfectionist.  But, now that I'm in this place in my journey that I can't seem to get past,  I'm beginning to think that it might just be my problem.    I'm ready to give up and quit.   Not because I want to quit.   But, because I seem to be struggling and can't seem to get these binges under control.  So, in my head I think to myself, "what's the point of trying anymore?"   or that I'm never going to make it, or be successful.   I can't seem to just focus on one minor thing and be happy about that.   I have this mentality that if I eat one cookie then I'm doomed to be fat forever.  Or, if I fall off the wagon I will never be able to get back on.   

So, today as I sit here and think about where I am, and how far I've come.  I'm still struggling with giving up.  I still feel that pull that says I can't do it that I should just give up.    But, a very small part of me says hold up!  That small part of me says look at what you've changed so far.   Look at the fact that you are now more conscious of what you eat, you work at taking care of yourself better.   You keep your toes painted, you do things to take care of your skin, you drink more water, you make an effort to eat better.  

This  part of me that sees the improvements is a very small part.  And I do mean a very small part.   The part that says I can't or should give up that part is winning right now.   It's threatening to take over.    Maybe the fact that I am realizing this struggle going on in my head will help me.  I think the fact that I haven't completely thrown in the towel is a good sign.

It does make me curious as to where this all or nothing mindset comes from.   I know that I can see it in other areas of my life also.   Take cleaning the house for example.   If I skip sweeping the floors for a night, then all the sudden I feel like why should I bother to do anything else?  The same with the dishes, if I skip doing the dishes right away, then all the sudden I'm doing nothing at all.    It has to be based on some impossible expectation that I've put on myself somewhere along the way.   But, where did it come from?   And how can I stop it?   Why do I only focus on the things I didn't do, or the things that I didn't do the right way?  Why can't I see and celebrate the things that I did do no matter how small they are?

I'm beginning to think that maybe I should let go of my other goals and make focusing on the small things my new goal.    Focus on not letting the mistakes bring me down.