The power of the scale!

Do you ever feel like your scale has this power over you?   It's like the scale could make or break your day.    If you see a drop it's the best day ever,  if you have a gain it can put you in a funk that's hard to break out of!

Today, the scale decided to show a two pound loss.   Now, while that made my day,  it always makes me weary that it's just a fluke!   It's sad when you worry that they scale is messing with your mind!

Set back!

Have you noticed that I haven't popped on in awhile?   Well,  I've been hiding my head in the sand.   I can't seem to get myself back on track with eating right.   I know that eating is an addiction for me, but that doesn't mean that it has to control me, right?   I wish it were as simple as that.  

I know that it all boils down to choices and I'm not making the best choices right now.   I'm working on that!   For example,  yesterday and today both I chose to take my daughter swimming.  And I chose to swim laps in the pool instead of sitting on a float and reading a book.   I love to float in the pool and read a book, it's the best me time ever.   But, I chose to swim laps.    Because, I sure could use the calorie burn.     I also chose to race my nephew to see who could do the most laps.   I won by the way, but he's only 5 so it wasn't a huge victory or anything.   I'm sure he just got bored.   But, I got a good workout in!   And it was fun!   My arms sure were burning!


So, I'm going to count that as a small victory regardless of anything else! 


How are things going with you?  I'd love for you to drop me a comment about your struggles!

Perfectionism

Have you read or  seen The FlyLady's website?   She talks about how perfectionism can really hinder people and get in our way.   I'm beginning to understand just what she means by that.     I have never  thought of myself as a perfectionist.  But, now that I'm in this place in my journey that I can't seem to get past,  I'm beginning to think that it might just be my problem.    I'm ready to give up and quit.   Not because I want to quit.   But, because I seem to be struggling and can't seem to get these binges under control.  So, in my head I think to myself, "what's the point of trying anymore?"   or that I'm never going to make it, or be successful.   I can't seem to just focus on one minor thing and be happy about that.   I have this mentality that if I eat one cookie then I'm doomed to be fat forever.  Or, if I fall off the wagon I will never be able to get back on.   

So, today as I sit here and think about where I am, and how far I've come.  I'm still struggling with giving up.  I still feel that pull that says I can't do it that I should just give up.    But, a very small part of me says hold up!  That small part of me says look at what you've changed so far.   Look at the fact that you are now more conscious of what you eat, you work at taking care of yourself better.   You keep your toes painted, you do things to take care of your skin, you drink more water, you make an effort to eat better.  

This  part of me that sees the improvements is a very small part.  And I do mean a very small part.   The part that says I can't or should give up that part is winning right now.   It's threatening to take over.    Maybe the fact that I am realizing this struggle going on in my head will help me.  I think the fact that I haven't completely thrown in the towel is a good sign.

It does make me curious as to where this all or nothing mindset comes from.   I know that I can see it in other areas of my life also.   Take cleaning the house for example.   If I skip sweeping the floors for a night, then all the sudden I feel like why should I bother to do anything else?  The same with the dishes, if I skip doing the dishes right away, then all the sudden I'm doing nothing at all.    It has to be based on some impossible expectation that I've put on myself somewhere along the way.   But, where did it come from?   And how can I stop it?   Why do I only focus on the things I didn't do, or the things that I didn't do the right way?  Why can't I see and celebrate the things that I did do no matter how small they are?

I'm beginning to think that maybe I should let go of my other goals and make focusing on the small things my new goal.    Focus on not letting the mistakes bring me down.

How did I get derailed?

I've been doing really good these past four months.   I've lost 37lbs and then all the sudden when I'm not paying attention wham I fall off track.   I stop forcing myself to drink my water, eat breakfast, stay away from soda.   I just stopped.   It's almost like I sabtaged myself.    I'm sure your thinking (or at least hoping) that I am going to ahve some sort of super smart answer for why I did this to myself.   I hate to disappoint but I have no clue.   If I knew that I most likely would have solved this problem already! I am going to consider it a good thing that I realized that I was sliding off the path before I started gaining it all back.   Hopefully, I will be able to reign it all back in before that starts happening.  I didn't gain all this weight over night, so there's no way I'm going to lose it over night either.  


Sometimes, I feel like this beast (this is what I call my food addiction) is going to win and take complete control of my life.   I know that it's an addiction because sometimes food can consume my every waking thought.   And, I do mean my every thought.   Some mornings I wake up and the first thought on my mind is what kind of high fat, highly processed food can I get right away.   I don't think a person that isn't addicted to food thinks like this.   I don't think a normal person wakes up just dreaming of the all the sweets they can stuff into their bodies for that day.   It's so disgusting to myself.   I feel like my body is betraying me.