Feeling like a failure!

This week, I started off this week with a plan  I was going to track my calories, get on my elliptical and burn some calories.  And, I was going to end this week with a loss.   Can you guess what really happened?   My elliptical sat mostly unused, I gave up on tracking my calories, and I gained a pound.  Suddenly, to me this pound feels like the end all.   It feels like I should just quit trying because I'm never going to get it right, or be able to be smaller.    This week, I really wanted that loss, and it feels like the more I wanted it, the more my mind or body or whatever the heck is sabotaging me wanted me to not have it.   I would eat the right amounts at meals, but then I would find myself snacking nonstop.   I wouldn't even realize I was doing it at first.  And, then when I finally did realize that I was doing it,  I would immediately feel guilty, and worthless and be so angry with myself.   And, then I would promise myself I wouldn't do it again,  but two hours later, there I was eating again! And, I was start the entire cycle all over again!  I don't get it.  I don't understand what is so wrong with me.  Why can't I just eat like a normal person!  Why does food seem to have this power over me that makes me not even realize what I am doing?   How can an  object control my life like this?   Food doesn't have a mind of it's own,  it can't just jump into my mouth all by itself.   I have to put it there, but I do so sometime without even knowing I'm doing it.   It's like my brain checks out, and something else takes over.     I really don't get it, I don't understand why this is happening to me, and why I can't just be like a normal person.   I feel so disgusting, and worthless. Maybe I should just give up, and quit trying.  It's pretty clear that I will never be able to have what I want.  

At some point this month though,  I've lost 6lbs.   When I went to the doctor last, on Dec 26th,  I weighed 288lbs.   Today, I weigh 282 lbs.   So, in the past month, those lbs have been lost somewhere, but yet I don't feel like I've lost them..  I haven't celebrated their loss.  I feel only like I've gained.  But, they had to have fell off somewhere.