This week, I started off this week with a plan I was going to track my calories, get on my elliptical and burn some calories. And, I was going to end this week with a loss. Can you guess what really happened? My elliptical sat mostly unused, I gave up on tracking my calories, and I gained a pound. Suddenly, to me this pound feels like the end all. It feels like I should just quit trying because I'm never going to get it right, or be able to be smaller. This week, I really wanted that loss, and it feels like the more I wanted it, the more my mind or body or whatever the heck is sabotaging me wanted me to not have it. I would eat the right amounts at meals, but then I would find myself snacking nonstop. I wouldn't even realize I was doing it at first. And, then when I finally did realize that I was doing it, I would immediately feel guilty, and worthless and be so angry with myself. And, then I would promise myself I wouldn't do it again, but two hours later, there I was eating again! And, I was start the entire cycle all over again! I don't get it. I don't understand what is so wrong with me. Why can't I just eat like a normal person! Why does food seem to have this power over me that makes me not even realize what I am doing? How can an object control my life like this? Food doesn't have a mind of it's own, it can't just jump into my mouth all by itself. I have to put it there, but I do so sometime without even knowing I'm doing it. It's like my brain checks out, and something else takes over. I really don't get it, I don't understand why this is happening to me, and why I can't just be like a normal person. I feel so disgusting, and worthless. Maybe I should just give up, and quit trying. It's pretty clear that I will never be able to have what I want.
At some point this month though, I've lost 6lbs. When I went to the doctor last, on Dec 26th, I weighed 288lbs. Today, I weigh 282 lbs. So, in the past month, those lbs have been lost somewhere, but yet I don't feel like I've lost them.. I haven't celebrated their loss. I feel only like I've gained. But, they had to have fell off somewhere.
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Never give up! You are doing awesome! I feel this way often, so know that you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteAwww thank you Donna! Today, I got up, put my big girl panties on and got myself on the elliptical! I figured it's better to get it over with first thing! Happy Monday to you!
DeleteI scrolled back a bit and saw that your doing low gi. When I am eating sugar and carbs (mostly sugar) I get intense cravings. Once I am detoxed I can totally ignore food unless I am hungry. Then I eat something appropriate or grab a protein shake. we all feel this way sometimes though. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI have been eating sugar and carbs and I'm pretty sure that's why the cravings are so bad, and so often! I really struggle with finding a breakfast I like that isn't full of carbs!
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